When Breaking Up Is the Right Choice – Leaving Abusive and Potentially Dangerous Relationships
There are times when it is absolutely the right decision to break up with the person you are involved with. Not all relationships are meant to continue, especially if the person you are seeing is abusive in some way, either emotionally, physically or both.
And especially if the person you are seeing is mentally ill in a dangerous way.
Yes, there are some relationships that are actually dangerous to be in. This is a rather sobering thought, but unfortunately, this isn’t all that uncommon and people do get threatened, hurt and sometimes even killed.
Not far from where I grew up, a beautiful young 20 year old girl was murdered a couple of weeks ago by her ex boyfriend (he has yet to be convicted, but stands accused of 2nd degree murder as of this writing).
She wanted out of the relationship for good, and that’s exactly what he gave her. Now this young woman doesn’t get to live her life because of a sick and dangerous young man.
Her name was Jenni-Lyn Watson and her funeral took place today.
How could this tragedy have been avoided? We’ll get to that in a minute, but first, let me tell you a story…a true one.
My Story of Abuse and Danger
A few years ago, I found myself in a very similar situation. I was dating a guy who was jealous, controlling and pathological. I didn’t realize this at first, but as it turned out, he was. At one point he told me he would kill himself and me if I ever broke up with him.
One time, he even left a bullet in my car as a not so subtle reminder of his intentions.
I was only eighteen at the time and had no idea what to do. I didn’t feel I could open up to my parents or my friends about it. I knew I had to get away from him, so I finally decided, after the worst fight we ever had (including a knife and an assortment of beer bottles being thrown and broken) that I had to risk it and break it off. So that’s what I did.
I went into hiding for a long time after breaking up with him. I was afraid in my parent’s home and afraid to go anywhere by myself. I was afraid that he would find me and that would be the end. Luckily, he didn’t come after me and left me alone…but for a lot of people, they weren’t so lucky.
Red Flags & Signs To Watch Out For
A person who is dangerous to be in a relationship with usually has some of these characteristics (these are just a handful):
- The person is extremely controlling. They crave your undivided attention and get angry or upset if you spend too much time with friends or even your family. You can never satisfy a person like this – no matter how much you are there for them or how much you bow to their demands, it is never enough. You are the “object” of their undivided attention, to the point where it is beyond unhealthy.
- The person is extremely jealous. There is such a thing as “normal” jealousy and jealousy that is extreme. If the person you are with is irrationally jealous, this is not a good sign and there’s a good chance this person has deep seated relationship and control issues.
- The person has had a history of violence. This isn’t always the case, but if you’ve experienced violence and abuse by this person, there may be documentation of abusive and violent behavior or possibly a criminal record that you would want to check into.
- The person has lied about past relationships or you’ve caught them in another lie. In essence, the person has no qualms about lying and when they do talk about past relationships, they have nothing good to say about their ex. Pathological people don’t often have lasting relationships – one clue is a string of short term relationships that always broke up because of something the other person did, not them.
- The person can be charming and even loving, but then changes moods quickly. This goes along with an inability to empathize with other people or show little concern for others. Often, people like this tend to blow up and lose their temper easily and can go from having a sunny disposition to just the opposite.
- Other people notice things or don’t feel comfortable. Listen to your family and friends. If you are dating or going with a dangerous person, there’s a good chance your family and friends have noticed. Does this person have close friends? Has your family been able to warm up to this person…how about your friends? If not, this is another strong indicator that this relationship isn’t a healthy one.
- Your own gut instinct. Do you feel uncomfortable around this person? Are you nervous or agitated and never quite at ease? Do you feel overly scrutinized or judged and belittled? Pay attention to your gut instincts. Most of the time, your gut is right on and the best thing you can do is make the decision to educate yourself on what to do next.
How to Get Out of a Dangerous Relationship
We highly recommend that the first thing you do is check this website out in-depth:
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Here are some of the topics to explore once you get there:
Under ARTICLES:
- Red Flag Warnings
- Relapse Prevention
BOOKS:
- How To Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved (also a workbook is available)
- How To Break Up From a Pathological Relationship
DVDs:
- Understanding Destructive and Pathological Relationships
- Healing the Aftermath – Recovery for Wounded Women
QUIZZES:
- Are You in a Pathological Relationship?
- Assessing Your Danger Risk
- What Kind of Abuser Are You With?
This site also offers some specialized services that you might want to take advantage of.
We also recommend that you talk to your family and friends about your situation. If you feel you are in danger, they need to know. This is absolutely the right course of action, but sometimes, doing this isn’t enough.
We strongly advise you to follow the advice of these experts, and be aware that this is a pattern that you could fall into, when it comes to choosing abusive and/or pathological people to date and form long term relationships with, over and over again.
Here’s that site again:
http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Even if this is the first time you’ve found yourself in this situation, make sure it’s your last. Take action now to break any patterns that are keeping you locked in, to find out if you are in a dangerous relationship and for your safety at this moment and for your future safety.
Thanks for reading and I wish you the best,
Elise
Ex Back Products Team
